Moved

I've moved.
My blog I mean.
Since it seems like everything in my life is changing right now, I figured my blog should better reflect who I feel I am now, in my journey through life.
If ya feel like, come on by and visit me here.

If not...I'll probably be stopping by your place!

Thanks

I just wanted to express my thanks and appreciation for the kind replies, emails, and "real-life" hugs and help I've received over the last month or so. This is painful as shit, but probably wouldn't be manageable without caring people around.
So, thanks, y'all!

Still Kickin'

Well, I'm officially 25 and living with my parents again.

Saturday morning, I cried as I packed my clothes into my car, said goodbye to the cats and dog, and said goodbye to Sam, my former partner of 4 years.
Saturday night I went out for dinner with my mom and step-dad, and stayed at their house in the city. It's only an hour away from Squamish, but it was the farthest I could handle going at first.
I left my mom's just before noon on Sunday, but had to stop in Chilliwack an hour later to buy a Taking Back Sunday cd so I could sing along. When I was singing, I wasn't able to cry.
I cried as soon as I pulled into my parents' driveway.
My step-mom offered to build me a little nest in the living room that I could go hide in when I was feeling upset.
My little brother spent 2 full minutes hugging me in front of his new girlfriend.
I told my dad I felt like a chump, and he said he thought I was actually a chAmp.

Sam and I have texted every day since I left. I've asked daily what the animals have been doing, and he's asked how I'm feeling. I was possibly going to stay at his house tonight, since my step-mom and I are heading down for 24 hours; her for meetings, and me to see my doctor again. I phoned him last night to say I'd be staying at my mom's instead...and had to hang up within 2.2 seconds because I was crying over hearing his voice.
As much as it sucks right now, I know that I've come out of this relationship a better person. I've made a friend who will be in my heart forever (even if right now, that friendship hurts)...And there are other things that I'm sure make me a better person, I just can't think of them right now!

So, I'm still around, still kickin'. Just trying to figure out what I want to do. Now would be the perfect time to go traveling but there are several factors hindering this. Such as my lack of income (or any savings) right now; the economy is Europe is scary; the BP oil spill is fucking with ecosystem that are dependant on tourism; my mental health is a bit fragile right now (I've had a couple panic attacks since getting to Kamloops), and I need my family to cocoon myself in.
Or, I could look into grad school. It's always been something I've planned on doing, I just didn't know when or what I wanted to study. I have been looking into the University of Alberta in Edmonton, since my older brother moved there and has offered me a room in the house that he's bought (that isn't finished being built yet!). I could do a Master of Library and Information Science program, or a Master of Business Admin (I'd have to work for another full year before I could apply though, and I'd like to start Sept 2011, if possible). Or, I could start taking the CMA courses through distance while living in Alberta (the certifications for accountants are different in each province).
I'm leaning more towards Edmonton right now, even if I just go for a year and work and try to save some money towards travelling. My brother has some good reasons for me to go there; I just have to decide...
But thinking about it too hard makes me feel short of breath...sweaty...nauseous....my heart skips several beats....in short, I start having a panic attack.
So, as my step-mom put it the other day, I'm on sabbatical. Trying not to think too hard, trying not to worry. I'll go out and enjoy the sunshine (by sitting in the shade!), as soon as the rain stops.

Maybe it will help me sort things out?

After-hair

Amicable

I almost wish this break up was a little less...amicable.
Please don't get me wrong, here.
It has been brutal. Soul-rending, knock-out, drop down, heartbreaking.
But it has also been easy.
As I get my stuff packed up (I finally started tonight, with a week left in town), I feel more like I am packing to go on a vacation than like I'm packing up my life as I know it.
As Sam put it, it has been awesome living together, since he would have gone crazy long since without another human to talk to (much as he loves our animals).
We get along so well. I still call him from work after lunch every day and discuss what we'll be having for dinner, what I need to pick up from the grocery store, what he's been doing, any asshole visitors I've had to deal with. We are, right now, best friends who happen to be roommates.
But sometimes, after I've had one too many beer*, my heart starts hurting. My mental barriers break down just enough that a crack of reality hits me. I start realizing that this is final, that my life is changing yet again, and I'll be moving, yet again.

Anyways, if it was more painful, it might be easier. If we weren't making plans of where to take the dogs (we're dog-sitting his parents' puppy while they're away) for an exciting, fun walk; if we weren't planning a going-away dinner for me with his family; if we weren't talking about our future plans, it might be easier.
Now, I'm the first to admit that if this was more difficult, I'd probably already be at my dad's, crying in the basement and making him hang out with me. I'd be a weepy, soggy mess with on;y bad thoughts floating through my head.

But maybe it would feel more real? Maybe like it really was the end?

*I've been drinking way too much than is for my own good. Nearly every night, Sam or I brings home home beer and we hide in our own befuddled, tipsy, haze. This will end when I go back to my dad's, since he and my stepmom hardly drink.
At least, I hope it will!

Beef Industry

I'm single-handedly keeping the beef industry afloat.
Hamburger for lunch, beef dip for dinner.
I'm going to have a tummy ache later, I know it.

Dear Sammy

Dear Sammy,
Just because we have broken up, does not mean you are allowed to eat my share of the bacon.
Or the ice cream.
Or the poptarts.
You are, however, allowed to start washing your own laundry.
Best,
Meg

The end.

I've started this post so many times in the last couple weeks. I've lost count of the different ways I decided I would write about this. None of them made it past that initial, opening of Blogger, stage.
Nothing I can write can adequately describe what's going on in my heart and in my mind right now.

Basically, Sam and I, after 4 years together, have broken up. It was instigated by Sam, and he has extremely important reasons for his position, but it's my fault too.

I don't want to assign blame, or fault; nor do I feel comfortable discussing the reasons why it is as it must be. And, as much as it pains me, it must be. It is time for us to part.

I find myself in a difficult place. I have an ok job, even though I don't really like it. I love Squamish. It's beautiful here, and I do have a couple people from work who live here that I do consider friends.
But without Sam, it is not my home. Without the house that I have come to call home, I do not want to be here. The friends I have made this past year in Squamish, while awesome people, are not enough to keep me here. Those closest to me here, Sam's parents and sister, can not be expected to keep me as near and dear as I have been, if Sam is to move on with his life.

I will be leaving at the end of May.

So far, my plan is to spend the summer months at my dad and stepmom's in Kamloops. I can live rent-free for three months, while I try to work out what I'm going to do with my life.
I have several options for the fall. My older brother has recently relocated to Edmonton from Winnipeg (following his divorce), and has offered me a room in his new house. (He has also offered to take over my car and my car payments for a while for me, if I need him to.) I can stay in Kamloops, find an apartment, and start working towards my CMA from there. Or I can go work somewhere else, somewhere different. I had thought I might like to go to the Caribbean, but the whole not-liking-the-heat thing makes that a bit scary.
Right now, I am leaning towards going to Europe and working for a year or so.

If I start really trying to think about what I will do come September or October, I go in to a full-on panic attack. I've had quite a few sleepless nights the last few weeks. I've had beer for dinner more than I should-I understand why my mom became an alcoholic during her seperation/divorce from my dad (though the fact she's still an alcoholic is fucking annoying). Yesterday, I forgot to take my pill in the morning, and I had a scary hour or two thinking about finding a knife and slicing the shit out of myself-which I haven't done in 10 years. Instead, I told Sam that I was thinking about hurting myself and he reminded me that would be stupid. I did tell him he'd be on standby to take me to the hospital during the night if I felt like I was getting to the point where all I can focus on is hurting myself. (It didn't happen.)

We're still living together. This is my home. We have both invested a lot of time and energy into doing what we can to make this a home for ourselves and our cats and dog. Just because we have decided to break up does not mean that Sam has revoked my right to call this my "home". When I leave, all I'm taking are my clothes. I'm leaving everything else here. We have always had a verbal cohabitation agreement, in the case that we did break up. We know what is "his" and what is "mine". I don't even necessarily have to move out, since we are still totally getting along-but obviously, that hurts my heart. And how can we grow seperately if we're still living together?

I'm confused, my heart hurts, my brain hurts, I'm tired, and I feel like an asshole for running home to my parents.
But I also know that I am in a place, in my mind and heart, that requires a support network. And for me, that support network has always been my dad and my brothers, and to a lesser extent (due to personal feelings) my mom. I don't know where I'll be in 6 months, 12 months, 5 years. But I am trying to look at this as an opportunity. An opportunity to explore who I am and to go adventuring. It hurts now, but the rational Megan knows that this is the best thing for both Sam and I. And I still love him, and just want him to be happy. And that means that we have to go our seperate ways.